Clearing out the tumble weed

It may have been over a month since I last wrote here and who knows how long before that, but I assure you that I have thought about a lot. Quite a lot in fact and there are many who subscribe to the whole 'it is the thought that counts' philosophy so it must count for something mustn't it?

No?

I started writing a Facebook status update for my A Parenting Life page only to get halfway through it and discover that there was much I wanted to say. Well actually I already knew there was a lot I wanted to say but I was trying to do the responsible thing and get some jobs out of the way first.

Generally I put blogging at the top of my list of things to do. Which is great because it means there is always something new and fresh for my dedicated readers to reader. However it is not so great for the real life aspect as it means every thing else has to wait until my awesomeness has been unleashed and published to the web at large. And sometime that takes much longer than expected.

In a bid to unleash more awesomeness in real life I thought I would try and move blogging a little further down the list. Turns out that didn't work out so well and here I am dinner preparation not done and a living area still waiting to be tidied. In my defence though I have done dishes and by that I mean ALL the dishes. Including those not suitable for the dishwasher. Yes that's right I put my hands in soapy water and did it the old fashioned way. Well some of them anyway.

So what was this status update come post that just couldn't wait a moment longer to be written?

Uhhmmm.... well....

This is just a tad embarrassing but between then and now (which has been some thirty minutes thanks to a certain little person and their inquiring mind) I have  kind of forgotten.

I mean I can recall the general gist of it. Something about every little thing feeling like a mammoth effort but complain I will not because not only am I blessed but there are people out there facing real problems and I should just suck my woes up and get on with it. I am just certain I had found a more eloquent way of putting it and there was much more I wanted to add.

Of course someone with half a brain would have copied their words of wisdom before leaving the page to transfer them somewhere else. Apparently I am not a half brainer.

Sigh.

So here I am, at the end of a post that has done anything but clear my thoughts or get out what I wanted to say.

I must confess to being an awful friend

Possibly not what everyone is willing to admit to knowing about, but there you have it, today I must confess that I feel I am an awful friend. Perhaps even terrible. Not all the times, just every now and then. Though likely to be more now and less then.
I am probably not the worst friend you could ever have, though I have rarely  (if ever?) made it to the best friend status either. I am pretty sure that I fit into the good friend box, possibly even great at times. It's just that like the girl curl, when it's bad it's horrid. Which I guess at times might outweigh the rest.

Image from here

I have this friend. Actually I should maybe say I had this friend, because right now I am not sure if we really are still the friends we were. Which is pretty much what has brought me here today. Sometimes things seem clearer to me once I have written them out. (editor's note this has taken some pretty intense writing in order to get out as well, just in case you are wondering and sadly I am not sure yet whether I am any clearer. On the upside though I do have multiple draft posts on various aspects of friendship to slowly work my way through)
I met this friend, lets call her Franny, when Lovely was about four and a half. Franny's son went to the same pre school and since she was also pregnant we were kind of drawn together I guess. Actually our kids had gone to a 3 year old kindy together as well but I was way too shy to talk to her then. Instead I just kept asking the universe to bring us together in the hope that one day we could be friends.
Anyways fast forward seven years and by some amazing act we are actually friends and up until recently I thoughts quite close ones. The two eldest kids don't spend so much time together now, due to their age and the whole boy girl thing I guess. Though after an hour or two the ice has melted and you can see them enjoying each other's company immensely. The youngest children (of which there are four, two mine, two hers) get along like houses on fire. They are as thick as thieves and any other bonding euphemism that you want to use.
Only in the last few months I have done wrong by Franny. Well apparently more wrong than she can handle. Or prepared to put up with or something or other.
I know I am far from perfect. I run late, never know what I am doing, am almost impossible to make plans with unless it is the last minute and I have a tendency to ramble on and on and on.
Franny has a heart of gold. Franny never speaks ill of any one and has not mean bone in her body. Franny who is never late and always does everything she says she will.
It all started at the end of the school holidays. Lovely returned from her time with her other family and all I wanted to do was escape out bush and pretend that no one else existed. Which is exactly what we did and I loved every minute of it. In fact I think we all did. 

Only Franny thought it would have been nice if I asked her to come. And she is probably right it would have been nice for her. Possibly not so much for me though as it would have been an extra five people I would have had to consider at one point or another and that was the last thing I wanted. 

I could hear the hurt in her voice when she rang as we were already in our way. I felt terribly selfish and incredibly awful but I still couldn't bring myself to invite her along. 

Since then times have been more than strained. Particularly after the debacle at the local show that saw me decide to go with someone else and bumping into Franny at every stand we stopped at for the first hour. It all pretty much revolves around me being a terrible planner and not knowing what I am doing till beyond the last minute.
For the first month after the excluding camping trip I made an effort to call Franny once a week. Given that aside from Mr Awesome she is one of the few people I have known for longer than five minutes, the thought of her being cross or upset with me made me feel terrible. Knowing that I had hurt her as much as I did, whether I meant to or not greatly trouble me. Not knowing how to make amends only made me feel worse.
So I played on as if nothing happened. I mean she never really told me how hurt she was, I just assumed from the tone in her voice during our conversation and began the internal beating from there.
Last week Zany asked if I still spoke to Franny and would we please be able to see them again soon. I bumbled her off without any real answer. The thought of it all made my stomach turn.
Then in the week Franny called. She was in the neighbourhood but I didn't invite her in. Mr A was home from work, still coming to terms with his grandmother's passing. I was already feeling quite drained from whatever the day had so far handed me. I simply couldn't handle even the thought of a face to face conversation. Let alone one with someone I still expected to be reeling in pain from my actions (not that I am prone to over exaggeration or anything).
She then asked if maybe I might have time to catch up on the weekend. Under pressure I couldn't answer. I didn't want to commit and then not be able to make. At that stage there were no plans for the funeral or memorial or whatever. Aside from that I can rarely agree to make plans for the weekend on Tuesday.
Naturally my inability to answer caused angst for Franny and she was promptly reminded why it had been so long since we have seen each other.
As my stomach flipped and my heart pounded so hard I thought it was going to break through my chest, I called Franny and asked if it would be alright to visit on Saturday. The surprise in her voice once again confirmed the pain I had previously inflicted. My inability to commit to a time and I could feel her anger begin to simmer.
The better part of the morning was then spent in tears as I came to terms with the fact she has every right to be angry with me. Accepting that you have wronged someone, even with the best of selfish intentions for your own well being, is no Christmas party.

It is a feeling I have gotten quite accustomed to of late. You see I have this other friend who has a best friend who asked me to suggest some names of beauty salons for a facial massage voucher for our mutual friend's birthday. Do you think I could manage it?

I could come up with a whole range of pathetic excuses but at the end of the day I am sure the real reason lays behind my forgetfulness.

How do you rate yourself as a friend?

Looking back to move forward

I have been hoping to come here and write for nearly two weeks now. Perhaps even longer, but for the last two weeks have I most certainly been thinking a great deal about it.

Which naturally doesn't mean that I know what I want to say, just that there is something that needs to be said. Mind you one could possibly argue that there is always something that needs to be said...

When I first started this blog back in April '12 I harped on about ten things I needed to make matter. It was a bit of a rehash from a post I had posted a few months earlier over on A Parenting Life. Not that I usually republish posts from one blog onto another but this time I made an exception. After all I was talking about things that matter, so rule breaking was totally ok.

Only here I am September '13, more months on than I would like to count and not necessarily sure I managed to make any of my list items matter any more than what they did pre post.

So in a bid to move forward once more, I am taking the time to look back and see just how far I have come. Hopefully this will then help me see where it is I need to go next.

1. Write regularly.  And by that I mean every day.  Like anything it improves with practise.  If I am going to be serious about being a famous writer I really need to put pen to paper, of fingertips to keys or something other than the current levels of procrastination and self doubt.
   
   Well I am still trying to write as much as possible and while the whole every day thing hasn't happened I have managed write more than what I possibly ever have before. So I guess that counts for something right? I mean sure I haven't written enough to get me that book deal yet but I have been writing.
   
   
2. Being present for the children.  Making sure I disconnect from the electric world and spend time living.
   
   Hmmmmm. Well I have had large slots of disconnected time from the electric world, but I am pretty sure that this still needs some work. The incessant whining that I am sometimes faced with leaves me no choice but to retreat to the likes of Candy Crush some days.
   
   
3. Ensuring that I am well rested and suitable fueled to tackle anything the treasures might spontaneously throw at me.
   
   Tick, tick, tick. I have been doing great guns at trying to regulate some regular sleeping patterns and it really has made the world of difference. Gone (mostly) are the ridiculous late nights I once  kept. I may still need to work on the fuel (food) aspect but it's all about small steps right?
   
   
4. Providing interesting and nutritious food on a regular basis.  It is important to be aware of what works best for our bodies and provide it that, as much as possible.  Plus since eating is a part of life it only makes sense to get the most out of it.
   
   Oh gosh, maybe this looking back thing is not such a crash hot idea after all. Providing interesting AND nutritious food is bloody hard work and in my book possibly overrated. If I could hire any sort of help I am thinking a chef would be my best bet.
   
   
5. Leading an active life.  Getting out and about in the great outdoors and making the most of the land that surrounds us.
   
   Ah yep. Well I did do this for a bit. I may not be doing it too much at the moment but I did do this well for a while so I guess that means I can do it again.
   
   
6. Remaining true to what I believe in.
   
   Ok seriously? What was I thinking when I wrote this list??? Somedays I can barely remember what it is I believe in let alone remain true to it. Possibly need to do some serious work on this one.
   
   
7. Letting others know they are cared for and loved.
   
   Yes I am sure I have this one under control. Please let me have at least one thing under control.
   
   
8. Being on time.  Being late is rude.  Plain and simple.  Sounds harsh I know but as someone trying to curb a terrible (and I mean give her a half hour head start kind of terrible) habit of always being excessively late I need to be harsh.  I have little to no concept of time.  Never have.  But I want to.  I don't want my girls to grow up thinking it is alright to keep people waiting for you.  All. The. TIME.
   
   I have made great improvement in this area. I am still occassionally late, but generally speaking not as late as what I once was and not nearly as often.
   
   
9. The housework.  I can't believe I got this far without mentioning the housework.  Maintaining a clean and tidy house matters more than anything.  It is the cornerstone of happiness for the modern family.
   
   Cornerstone of happiness for the modern family I said. Right. The less said the better perhaps?
   
   
10. The washing.  Similar but not quite the same as the housework.  It is such a mammoth part of life it gets a point all of it's own.  (That and it's late and I am really struggling to think of anything else right now)
    
    Do you know why this one was so important? Simple really if the washing is done and under control, all put away properly and all that jazz mornings at our house are so much nicer. There is no shouting or screaming as we search high and low for the ever elusive missing sock. Which of course in turn means our chances of running late are greatly lessened and I am less likely to retreat to the online world due to the pressures of getting everyone out the door on time.

Sigh. Deep, deep, deep, sigh.

Of course now it is time to take the children to school. Or rather it is time to get the children ready to take to school because that is not yet done and the time to take children to school is just around the corner. Sitting here typing this post null and voids at least three things on this list I am sure.

Something difficult about my 'lot in life' #BlogEveryDayInMay

I may not have blogged here every day in
May, but I have been trying my best
to make the most of each day. Including a
little getaway from it all.

So it turns out the whole blogging every day in May thing hasn't worked out so well for me.

Which is kinda a shame but not overly surprising and quite possibly why I choose to do it here rather than on my other blog. I did however think that I would have lasted a little longer.

Mind you I also didn't expect to fall quite so far behind.

But never mind.

It is what it is. (Which is apparently quite the catch cry of late because I seem to be hearing it everywhere)

Anyway as I sit here in front of my screen surrounded by only the glow from the fish tank and computer, listening to the soft sounds of Alanis Morissette, I am in two minds as to how to proceed from here.

I could go back and do each day individually and just back date each post so that it looked like I blogged every day in May. Alternatively I could do just a few bulk posts and catch up to today and then hope like crazy I don't fall behind again.

Or I could forget about it all and just be done with it. Which I don't really want to do. Why that is I am not sure but there you go.

So here is what I have missed out on so far

Day 5, Sunday: Publicly profess your love and devotion for one of your blogger friends. What makes them great? Why do you love them? If you don't have blogger friends, talk about a real-life friend or even a family member
Day 6, Monday: If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, 'what do you do'?
Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you're most afraid of
Day 8, Wednesday: A piece of advice you have for others. Anything at all.
Day 9, Thursday: A moment in your day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)
Day 10, Friday: Most embarrassing moment (s). Spill. 
Day 11, Saturday: Sell yourself in 10 words or less
Day 12, Sunday: What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of your life...)
Day 13, Monday: Issue a public apology. This can be as funny or as serious or as creative as you want it to be.
Day 14, Tuesday: Ten things that make you really happy
Day 15, Wednesday: A Day in the life (include photos from throughout your typical day - this could be "a photo an hour" if you'd like)

Sigh.

Decisions, decisions hey? I know at the end of the day it doesn't really matter one way or another. 

Maybe I will work backwards and forwards at the same time and by the end of the month I will have it altogether?

Maybe the fact that today's challenge is this

Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it

is actually a sign that something difficult in my lot in life is that I often lack commitment and discipline. Consistency is not my strong point either. I most certainly always also struggle with time management and deadlines as well. All of which I work on almost daily, with varying ranges of success.

Pausing For Inspiration

As I watched this particular sunset I felt full of inspiration.  The world was my oyster and I was ready to take it on.  Surrounded by such beauty and wonderous colours, a peaceful tranquility was created that made it hard for my mind not to runaway with itself.  

Sitting there I thought of all the wonderful things I could write about.  Thoughts that I wanted to share, feelings I had felt that others would surely want to know about.  A whole bunch of amazing things that would of course leave my reader feeling as equally as inspired and full of wonder as what I currently was.  Or at least make them think of something differently for a moment or two.  

It felt good.

Actually it felt better than good.  

As the sun was setting, ending yet another day it felt like I could do anything.  Right there, in that moment I was free from fears and self doubt.  There was nothing, not even myself, holding me back.  The vastness of the sky and ocean before me was full of nothing but hope and opportunity.

Naturally this would have been the perfect time for me to write.  Had it not been for the fact I was miles away from my computer and with the sunlight fading there was not enough light for the old fashioned pen and paper.  Not that it really bothered me though.  I was happily soaking up the moment and taking in as much as I could.  It was like my mind was bottling it all so I could take it home with me.

Fast forward two days to when I get home though and it appears as if my bottling skills may need a bit of honing.  Either that or my bottle has a leak.  

Perhaps it is even a combination of them both.  Who knows?  

All I know is that when I finally get the chance to sit down and write my mind goes to such a jumbled mess that it may as well be blank.  I can't help but think that blank would be a blessing.  At least it would leave room to start again, which right now seems more appealing than trying to wade through all the ideas that are currently vying for attention in there.

That's what I do you see.  Decide that it is all too hard and start again.  I wrongly think that it is easier that way.  Sometimes it might be, but there are many times when really it would be much better to just focus and get on with it.  Naturally so much easier said than done.

Since I started writing this post, I have been up and down from the computer at least a dozen times.  I have washed dishes, fed children, made lunches, did the school drop off thing, visited my mother and even put a load of washing on.  Which is probably about to start demanding to be hung out.  I have one of those rather rude machines that upon completion of a cycle intermittently beeps until you do something about it. 

Some five hours have passed.

Not only is it hard to maintain the flow of the post, but having faith that the words before me are worth the angst of getting them out.   I don't cope well with having to put a post aside while I tend to life.  Rather than enjoying breakfast time chatting over cereal and making the most of my time with my beautiful girls, I find myself rushing them through so I can bundle them off in search of that seemingly elusive writing time.

Source

I want to use the pause button for life just once, instead of it always going to the writing.  Even as I write these last two paragraphs I have gotten up and down three times.  And even if one of those times was so I could put a sleeping child down and fix myself some food and drink to enable more uninterrupted screen time, I would still rather have paused my need for nourishment.  Or better yet have someone bring me what I need.

Sigh.  Oh to dream.

Instead, now that I have everything aligned for perfect writing time, I am left feeling drained and wondering why I even bother with this crazy notion that I am destined to be a writer.  Destined to be a crack pot maybe.

As I was typing the the words  destined to be a writer there was a voice in my head saying you are writer.  Look at what you are doing RIGHT NOW.  Naturally he comes with an equally loud voice that taunts back.  I try hard not to listen to that one though.

Anyway incase you had failed to look at a calendar today it is Tuesday.  Which means only one thing 

@Diary of SAHM

What Matters? - Open and Honest Communication

It goes without saying really that open and honest communication is not only the best form but should also be the only way we communicate with each other.  Sadly though this is not always the case.  Sometimes due to fear, shame  people do not alway openly communicate.  Sometimes this is through no fault of there own and sometimes with a bit of bravery and understanding it can be worked through.

As much as possible I like to think that I am an open communicator.  Both in the real world and here in the blogosphere.  There is never any doubt about the honesty aspect but there are at times instances when I know I am not as open as I could be.  This is particularly true in real life.  If anything I am probably more open about things on the blogs than I am in person.

For example, the other week I won a prize from a Facebook page.  The prize was a lady cup.  Which I am pretty excited about because I have been eyeing these off for a while but resisted buying one in case I didn't like it or it didn't work or whatever.

Even though I am sharing knowledge of my win here, there is only one person in the real world that I would discuss this with.  She has one already and is one of the most open and honest communicators about women stuff I have ever come across.  There is no taboo or off topic when it comes to the female body with this chick.  Which I love.  I know that there is no way me talking about the lady cup with her would make her feel uncomfortable.  You see when discussing such issues it is not only my comfort I consider but also how the other party to the conversation may be feeling.

As a rule I am not particularly comfortable discussing delicate women things.  I am of the belief that those personal monthly moments are just that, personal and therefore not necessary to discuss publicly.  Why I am so tight lipped on this I am not sure because I am far from prudish, but I have just never had a group of women I could sit down and chat about such things.  I can't help but wonder if I never found these women because I was never brave enough to broach the subject.

Up until now though it has never been an issue and I have given it little to no thought.  Now however I am the mother of three girls.  One of whom is 11.  Which is kinda code hurry up and find a way to start talking about all this secret women's business.

The thing is I don't want my girls growing up not feeling comfortable with their bodily processes.  I want them to embrace it and feel at one with their body.  Which I am sure is quite doable with open and honest communication about the changes they will one day go through.  Sounds so easy when said like that doesn't it?

Now ideally I should be able to go to my mother and as for some guidance on the matter, only that just won't work on this one.  Obviously mum had a go at explaining the birds and the bees and all that to me when I hit puberty.  Let's just say I was not exactly impressed with how she went around it.  If the truth be told she is partially responsible for my inability to discuss all of this.  You see I figure if she had of handled it all differently I wouldn't be struggling with what to say now.

I don't want my daughters going through life feeling embarrassed or shame by something that happens each and every month to just about each and every woman.  Yet I can't find a way to introduce the topic.  Then to make things even worse I start some self beating about the relationship I have with them because surely if it was a fantastic as I think it is in my head I wouldn't feel at such a loss on how to go about all of this.

All I know is I need to work something out.  And quickly.  Every passing day is one day closer till I have no choice but to discuss it.  I remember my first period.  Having no idea why I was bleeding from there.  Mum had a best friend over.  A woman I had known all my life and loved almost as much as my own mother.  I still couldn't go out and tell them.  I thought something was wrong.  I hoped that if I just changed my knickers it would stop and go away.  If only it were that easy.

In a bid to try and get my head around some of this I have turned to Google.  Apparently one way to go about it is with a first period party.  Complete with girl to womanhood cups and plates

Possibly a little over the top?

The outside of the card doesn't do much for me but the words inside are a bit nice

I keep telling myself that when the time is right I will know just what to say.  I hope this is the case.

What about you?  Do you already know how you will deal with this?

Joining in over at Diary of a SAHM for