Trying to get it altogether

So today I had planned to have an early morning post scheduled. It was all part of the new improved and organised me. Instead it is fast approaching dinner time and the day has somehow slipped away before I had a chance to do most of the things I had planned to do. Not exactly anything new there though. Some days my life is nothing more than a kerfuffle of mislaid plans. Other days it is filled with oxymorons and contradictions.

Today is both of those days.

You see I did get an early morning post scheduled, it just wasn't on this blog. It was here. The plan was to actually have two early morning post scheduled because I love to over extend myself. It is something I constantly do well. Over extend myself that is. As is making contradicting statements.

Yesterday I was blathering on about writing here again so as not to put off APL readers who were after something with a bit more substance than humdrum of me trying to bring some order into my life. Yet here I am today joining in all the fun and games of #IBOT over at Essentially Jess.

There will undoubtedly be plenty of gems discovered on this journey within, but there is bound to be plenty of tripe in between as well. There always is. Just sometimes it is hard to tell which is what and where. It is all part of the fun and games of life I guess.

The vision I have, is naturally one of grandeur. Though the exact details of it all are still so unknown. I have had a few glimmers of ideas and where to go.

It involves daily posts, highly detailed exercise diary keeping, positivity and moving forward in the best possible way. Plus a whole lot more, that will only be discovered with time.  But now I am just starting to ramble.

Creating some accountability

Is what I am trying to do. 

I am hesitant to go and run around setting goals because my inevitable failure will probably cause more damage and good. At the same time though I know that I need to have some sort of bench mark and record of where I sit on the bench so as to know that my efforts are not in vain.

Sitting here typing this all out and I am washed over by a resounding feeling of deja vu...

On Saturday I started a crunch and plank challenge. I had planned to add a few squats in as well but sadly that so far as not eventuated. Nor has the running. Or the little table I wanted to create to record all these numbers and stats of what I have (or haven't) done. Something I had hoped to help me push through the desire to sit around and do nothing.

The strangest thing about the desire to do nothing is that when something is done it is always enjoyed. Well most of the time, you know what I mean.

Before I continue on too much with all that I haven't so far done I should point out that there has been bike riding and walking with the family all in tow. Which in some ways is better than me just running alone. 

Remembering to keep a clear perspective on it all, 

is quite possibly the key

It sounds so easy when put in black and white. With purple as the case may be. The practise however... again only time will tell.

For now though there is dinner to made so children can be fed.

Making Time To Make Me Matter

Like most mothers I am guilty of neglecting my own needs in the pursuit of attaining happiness for others. Up until recently this caused me no concern. In fact I almost relished it. I found my happiness in making sure others were happy.

Only lately something has changed.

Sure I still joy in bringing joy to others but now I am starting to understand the importance of putting my own needs first, at least every now and then. A recent trip to the hairdresser and a few little child free outings have reminded me that there is more to me than just being a mum. Not that mums ever really are just a mum but I am fairly certain you all know what I mean.

If you are a regular reader over at A Parenting Life, (and if you are not you should be that place is awesome) you may have noticed that I have been in the doldrums of late. To say life has been a struggle is an understatement. Some mornings just getting out of bed takes more energy than I can easily find.

Life, if you could really call it that, is some where between tedious and monotonous. In may even be a combination of both with a heap of emptiness thrown in for good measure. I am so busy wallowing around in a cesspool of self pity, trying to keep my head above it all that I can't see the forest for all the trees.

Or perhaps it is the never ending stream of chores that constantly need doing that are blocking my vision to happy. Washing baskets seem to be constantly overflowing, both clean and dirty. I tried putting it on the couch in the hope that would motivate me to get it folded and put away instantly, you know because I wouldn't have anywhere to sit. Then I realised I rarely sat on the couch anyway.

Oh and the dishes, don't even get me started on the dishes...

I am sure you get the point.

All of this has been creating a monster in me. One that I am sad to say has been unleashed a few too many times lately for my liking and one that I wish would just go away. Only deep down I know that I am the only one that can make that happen.

This constant running in circles, yet never getting anywhere has left me drained and exhausted. Life doesn't feel like it was meant to be and it has finally taken it's toll.

The good news is

because there is always

and I am nothing if not full of hope.

So from this day forth I will make sure that I make the time to stop and think of me and my happiness. 

I will actively and purposefully seek out something each and every day that is all about me. Carried out purely for my pleasure and happiness. Be it go for a run, write a blog post, have a coffee, sit quietly and gather my thoughts. What ever! As long as it is something that is only for me and something I want to do.

I will remind myself that being a mum and staying at home is my choice. It is something that I want to do and apart from the last little while, something I have greatly enjoyed for some eleven years. Something that has only stopped being so enjoyable because of my attitude.

For as much as I think I can't control a lot of things, there are so many that I can. In fact most of what happens in my daily life is a direct result of my actions and choices.

Joining in with Jess and the crew for

Tuesday's Tune

Wanting to develop some structure and regularity to this little piece of the Internet, and being a mad lover of all things linky, I am happily jumping on board Thea's Tuesday's Tunes. Last week it just so happened I had recently blogged about my iTunes player's great selection so it was super easy.

This week I am trying my hardest to be super organised. In fact I am trying so hard, this is actually being written some four days in advance. Ironically it is even before I wrote Friday's FYBF post. Which was the whole reason I came to be at Mac in the first place.

But I digress. This is after all meant to be about a tune.

This week's tune comes from Mumford & Sons. One of my all time favourites. I just love everything about these guys. Their sound just rocks my soul and speaks deep to my being. I find great comfort and strength in their lyrics, this is particularly true for The Cave.

So much so I couldn't help but share them all.

It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat

You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see

But I have seen the same

I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth

Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see widows and orphans through my tears

I know my call despite my faults

And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands

And see the world hanging upside down

You can understand dependence

When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Seriously I have just sat here for some twenty minutes trying to choose which of these words speak to me the deepest and I just couldn't do. The more I read and re-read them the more I realised that it is the combination of all these words that make them so powerful.

When I birthed Miss Two, Mumford & Sons album Sigh No More, was played so much that the rather rude Midwife asked if perhaps she could change the CD as she had heard it enough. Poor woes her I said.

Joining in with Thea for her

 And because it is Tuesday and this is a blog, I am Blogging on Tuesday with Diary of a SAHM

Why being really really ridiculously good looking matters

Well actually that is not true. Being really really ridiculously good looking is not important. Feeling really really ridiculously good looking however is something else altogether.

In fact that is what really matters.

Feeling really really ridiculously good looking

Since discovering this rather lovely little link up a few months ago I have started to change the way I think and possibly even feel about my appearance. I realised that I rarely felt anything towards my appearance.

Sure it is great to be comfortable with ones self but perhaps it is possible to have to much of a good thing.

Never having been a corporate high flyer or any other professional kind of worker for that matter, I have never had to dress for work as such. In fact the only standard that I have ever really needed to maintain is the one that states when out in public clothing of some description is worn.

Living in a tropical paradise means that everything is relaxed and comfort is the key. Both of which work rather well for me. However, as I am fast discovering with a little thought and effort here and there a relaxed, comfortable feel can still have a bit of flair.

Friday was the school's traditional Father's day breakfast. It also happened that Miss Eleven was performing at assembly. Such an occasion is surely worthy of both a blog post and a little extra omphff on the day?

Well I thought it was, so I made sure I chose something bright and cheery.

The skirt, in case you are wondering, is a handmade original from Monsoons & Mangoes. I used to be able to say a local designer but she recently left the tropical wonderland that is my home for a more southern location.

Due to my poorly emerging photo skills I neglected to capture the rather groovy side pocket. It is a gorgeous blue and just the handiest thing ever. Generally speaking I am a pants gal due to the pocket factor. I am lost without pockets. The novelty of a pocket on a skirt is beyond awesome.

I normally like to wear a blue singlet with this but black won out on Friday due to jelly making that was planned with the year one class that afternoon.

Once again this was a big week for dressing up. Saturday I tried something different by rolling my jeans into 3/4 length. They are quite wide so it works rather well and allows for a bit of extra (and needed) air flow. Adding to the list of reasons as to why I am not a blogger of the year is the fact I forgot to take a photo. I always seem to forget the photo, well apart from the one above that is...

What I don't forget though is that on Tuesday bloggers unite,

So this post not only joins in with Lauren for

but also with the lovely Jess for

Making Time to Look Pretty

On the whole I spend somewhere between little to no time on my appearance. Thankfully for me I pretty much live in hicksville so it doesn't really matter. As long as all the important bits are covered no one really cares what you are wearing. Thanks to the sweltering heat that is present for nearly ninety percent of the year there is also no expectation for make up either. Which is also great because my skills in that department leave a lot to be desired.

Mind you I haven't always been this way.

Well I have on the make up front but there was a time when I would give some thought to how I looked. Back in another life, before children, when I was fresh out of home and high school, I worked in the fashion industry. Well I worked in the only surf shop in a town that had no surf. It also happened to be the only place in the surfless town that you could purchase a whole range of exclusive labels.

Oh how I loved those days. Sure it might not have been high rolling fashion, but it did provide me with the largest wardrobe ever. Some days when the washing had eluded me, or rather I was out partying and neglected to get around to ensuring there were clean clothes for the next day, I would just go to work ten minutes early to allow myself enough time to get a new outfit.

Staff discount and a layby I was able to take home before I had paid it off are certainly some great perks that I sorely miss, even to this day. But I digress. This was not supposed to be a nostalgic walk down memory lane. This is supposed to be are rather awesome post telling you how really really ridiculously good looking I am.

It has been a month or more since I first came across this awesome meme. To start with I didn't think it would be something I could join in with because seriously who wants to look at photos of this week in and week out.

Since that is pretty much all I wear. Simple, comfortable and totally suitable for kid wrangling in warm weather.

Actually sometimes I spice it up with a singlet rather than the T-shirt and lately I have been seen at school of a morning in some running gear as I pretend that is what I am going to do upon completing drop off duties. Sadly my running has stalled a little in recent weeks, apparently just wearing the clothes is not enough. But again I am digressing.

Thankfully a few weeks after I discovered this link up I had a hen's night and a wedding to attend. A reason (or two) to actually get dressed up and dust off the lippy. All with the added bonus of getting to blog about it.

Since then however my social calendar that requires my 'special' or non everyday clothes as been somewhat blank. The few occasions I have gone to any extra effort I was wearing the same clothes as I first posted about...oh for my younger surf shop working days with endless choices.

Last week however something happened. Breaking from the traditional mundane that some weeks can be I spiced it up with a lunch date in the city with a friend. An adults only lunch date actually. Taking full advantage of this great blogging opportunity I thought I would dress myself up a bit.

Now I just need to work on my selfie photo taking skills!

This highly fashionable post joins in not just with The Surprise Beginning but since it has taken nearly all night to write and it is now the very early hours of Tuesday it gets to link up with Diary of a SAHM for her rather awesome meme

Pausing For Inspiration

As I watched this particular sunset I felt full of inspiration.  The world was my oyster and I was ready to take it on.  Surrounded by such beauty and wonderous colours, a peaceful tranquility was created that made it hard for my mind not to runaway with itself.  

Sitting there I thought of all the wonderful things I could write about.  Thoughts that I wanted to share, feelings I had felt that others would surely want to know about.  A whole bunch of amazing things that would of course leave my reader feeling as equally as inspired and full of wonder as what I currently was.  Or at least make them think of something differently for a moment or two.  

It felt good.

Actually it felt better than good.  

As the sun was setting, ending yet another day it felt like I could do anything.  Right there, in that moment I was free from fears and self doubt.  There was nothing, not even myself, holding me back.  The vastness of the sky and ocean before me was full of nothing but hope and opportunity.

Naturally this would have been the perfect time for me to write.  Had it not been for the fact I was miles away from my computer and with the sunlight fading there was not enough light for the old fashioned pen and paper.  Not that it really bothered me though.  I was happily soaking up the moment and taking in as much as I could.  It was like my mind was bottling it all so I could take it home with me.

Fast forward two days to when I get home though and it appears as if my bottling skills may need a bit of honing.  Either that or my bottle has a leak.  

Perhaps it is even a combination of them both.  Who knows?  

All I know is that when I finally get the chance to sit down and write my mind goes to such a jumbled mess that it may as well be blank.  I can't help but think that blank would be a blessing.  At least it would leave room to start again, which right now seems more appealing than trying to wade through all the ideas that are currently vying for attention in there.

That's what I do you see.  Decide that it is all too hard and start again.  I wrongly think that it is easier that way.  Sometimes it might be, but there are many times when really it would be much better to just focus and get on with it.  Naturally so much easier said than done.

Since I started writing this post, I have been up and down from the computer at least a dozen times.  I have washed dishes, fed children, made lunches, did the school drop off thing, visited my mother and even put a load of washing on.  Which is probably about to start demanding to be hung out.  I have one of those rather rude machines that upon completion of a cycle intermittently beeps until you do something about it. 

Some five hours have passed.

Not only is it hard to maintain the flow of the post, but having faith that the words before me are worth the angst of getting them out.   I don't cope well with having to put a post aside while I tend to life.  Rather than enjoying breakfast time chatting over cereal and making the most of my time with my beautiful girls, I find myself rushing them through so I can bundle them off in search of that seemingly elusive writing time.

Source

I want to use the pause button for life just once, instead of it always going to the writing.  Even as I write these last two paragraphs I have gotten up and down three times.  And even if one of those times was so I could put a sleeping child down and fix myself some food and drink to enable more uninterrupted screen time, I would still rather have paused my need for nourishment.  Or better yet have someone bring me what I need.

Sigh.  Oh to dream.

Instead, now that I have everything aligned for perfect writing time, I am left feeling drained and wondering why I even bother with this crazy notion that I am destined to be a writer.  Destined to be a crack pot maybe.

As I was typing the the words  destined to be a writer there was a voice in my head saying you are writer.  Look at what you are doing RIGHT NOW.  Naturally he comes with an equally loud voice that taunts back.  I try hard not to listen to that one though.

Anyway incase you had failed to look at a calendar today it is Tuesday.  Which means only one thing 

@Diary of SAHM

What Matters? - Open and Honest Communication

It goes without saying really that open and honest communication is not only the best form but should also be the only way we communicate with each other.  Sadly though this is not always the case.  Sometimes due to fear, shame  people do not alway openly communicate.  Sometimes this is through no fault of there own and sometimes with a bit of bravery and understanding it can be worked through.

As much as possible I like to think that I am an open communicator.  Both in the real world and here in the blogosphere.  There is never any doubt about the honesty aspect but there are at times instances when I know I am not as open as I could be.  This is particularly true in real life.  If anything I am probably more open about things on the blogs than I am in person.

For example, the other week I won a prize from a Facebook page.  The prize was a lady cup.  Which I am pretty excited about because I have been eyeing these off for a while but resisted buying one in case I didn't like it or it didn't work or whatever.

Even though I am sharing knowledge of my win here, there is only one person in the real world that I would discuss this with.  She has one already and is one of the most open and honest communicators about women stuff I have ever come across.  There is no taboo or off topic when it comes to the female body with this chick.  Which I love.  I know that there is no way me talking about the lady cup with her would make her feel uncomfortable.  You see when discussing such issues it is not only my comfort I consider but also how the other party to the conversation may be feeling.

As a rule I am not particularly comfortable discussing delicate women things.  I am of the belief that those personal monthly moments are just that, personal and therefore not necessary to discuss publicly.  Why I am so tight lipped on this I am not sure because I am far from prudish, but I have just never had a group of women I could sit down and chat about such things.  I can't help but wonder if I never found these women because I was never brave enough to broach the subject.

Up until now though it has never been an issue and I have given it little to no thought.  Now however I am the mother of three girls.  One of whom is 11.  Which is kinda code hurry up and find a way to start talking about all this secret women's business.

The thing is I don't want my girls growing up not feeling comfortable with their bodily processes.  I want them to embrace it and feel at one with their body.  Which I am sure is quite doable with open and honest communication about the changes they will one day go through.  Sounds so easy when said like that doesn't it?

Now ideally I should be able to go to my mother and as for some guidance on the matter, only that just won't work on this one.  Obviously mum had a go at explaining the birds and the bees and all that to me when I hit puberty.  Let's just say I was not exactly impressed with how she went around it.  If the truth be told she is partially responsible for my inability to discuss all of this.  You see I figure if she had of handled it all differently I wouldn't be struggling with what to say now.

I don't want my daughters going through life feeling embarrassed or shame by something that happens each and every month to just about each and every woman.  Yet I can't find a way to introduce the topic.  Then to make things even worse I start some self beating about the relationship I have with them because surely if it was a fantastic as I think it is in my head I wouldn't feel at such a loss on how to go about all of this.

All I know is I need to work something out.  And quickly.  Every passing day is one day closer till I have no choice but to discuss it.  I remember my first period.  Having no idea why I was bleeding from there.  Mum had a best friend over.  A woman I had known all my life and loved almost as much as my own mother.  I still couldn't go out and tell them.  I thought something was wrong.  I hoped that if I just changed my knickers it would stop and go away.  If only it were that easy.

In a bid to try and get my head around some of this I have turned to Google.  Apparently one way to go about it is with a first period party.  Complete with girl to womanhood cups and plates

Possibly a little over the top?

The outside of the card doesn't do much for me but the words inside are a bit nice

I keep telling myself that when the time is right I will know just what to say.  I hope this is the case.

What about you?  Do you already know how you will deal with this?

Joining in over at Diary of a SAHM for

 

Accountability

Yesterday I briefly touched on my recent realisation of the importance of creating some sort of accountability for my actions.  Mr Awesome, as the name suggests, is awesome and never ever complains, or even comments for that matter, on the state of affairs regarding the house.

Even when the leaning tower of dishes grows rather than disappears by the time he gets home from a long hard day at work, he never utters a word.  He doesn't even roll his eyes or let out a little sigh.  Which is pretty awesome.  Of course it does nothing to encourage me to get off my lazy butt and do anything either but you can't win them all.

This week is a busy one for me.  Always is this time of year.  Unlike most mothers who look forward to a day of relaxation and pampering that is meant to come with Mother's Day, I have a somewhat panic stricken fear in the week leading up to it.  Ok maybe not fear but I certainly exceed my normal levels of stress in this lead up week to the big day.  In fact as I sit here now the mere thought of getting through this week sends me into a sort of convulsion.

What bring this all about I hear you ask.  The short answer is myself.  The long answer involves the school, gift stalls and my misguided notion that I am in fact crafty.  For the last few years I have helped the school hold a mother's day stall.  Another kind mother would make a heap of things and I would sell them the week before mother's day.

Only this year the other mother has left the school.  My stupid phobic self left it too late to see if there were any other crafters who may have been interested in helping out.  Thankfully we have some incredibly generous families that have previously donated so much we already had some stock on hand but I was still left with the task of organising some cheap and cheerful gifts.

Which naturally I have left until the last minute.  But I digress.

As I was saying, I need to introduce more accountability into my day.  Even if it is only myself that I am answering to.  I need to remember that the little things do make a difference to the overall picture.

For example on the weekend Miss Eleven had a friend sleep over.  In the morning they wanted to make pancakes.  Which was a wonderful idea.  Except for the fact the leaning tower of dishes was on it's way to world record heights.  I couldn't even see how many days back it went.

I precariously waded through and managed to clean the bowl and utensils needed.  While the girls began to make the batter I trudged through the dishes for the plates and cups needed.  Naturally the frying pan was also in need of a wash.  All the while I kept thinking it shouldn't be this way.

Back to being accountable for my time though.  Which let me tell you I am not normally.  At all.  Let's just say that I am somewhat of time waster.  Procrastination doesn't even begin to explain the way I put things off.  Slowly though I am sure I can change.

In an effort to do that I have decided that I need some daily lists which hopefully I will be able to gleefully tick off knowing that my is well accounted for.

Here is what today's looks like

Buy items necessary for gift stall gifts
Make items, ready for stall (tomorrow, I did say it was all a bit last minute)
Write two awesome blog posts (this one and one at APL)
Read a heap of awesome #IBOT posts
Clean kitchen
Fold washing
Fold more washing
Cook dinner and clean kitchen again

Of course I didn't mention all the other stuff like, school drop offs and pick ups, shopping for dinner, child negotiations, sibling mediation, facebook chatting and twitter stalking.

So on that note I better get to it.  Given half the day is already over and I would not necessarily say that I over halfway through that list.  Make sure you pop back tomorrow to see how I went and what's in store

As you know today is Tuesday, which means #IBOT baby!

 

Head on over and say hi to Jess, check out the other #IBOT posts as they are always a good read