Make it Matter Monday

Well here we are again.  Monday morning and all hell is breaking loose.  Though when I say all hell is breaking loose I actually mean that my house is beyond a shambles and there are a thousand and one things, probably more, still waiting to be done.

Not that I am overly concerned by any of it.  Which is why am here, instead of madly rushing around trying to do ten things at once in a bid to have some hope of actually getting it done.  Despite all that needs doing I feel relatively relaxed.  I am sure there is some tightness when I think of what the weeks ahead will entail but on the whole life is great and I love the concept of constantly ensuring I am always moving forwards.

The past few MIMM posts have contained things I have hoped to make matter the previous week(s).  Ideally there would also be all the things I did manage to make matter.  For the most part they would really just be about all the reasons why I did not do all the things I set out to.

So with that in mind I have decided to change things around a little this week.  After all beating myself black and blue about that which can not be changed is rather pointless and not really in line with the whole moving forward concept.

Last week the thing that mattered most was the planned camping trip.  It was only for one night but since it was the first for the year it was all worth it.  Well, I did go a little overboard.  After all it was only for one night but the kids needed new sleeping bags and mats.  The stinky old swags that Mr Awesome and his brother had as kids were just no longer going to cut it for the bigger girls.

Without a word of a lie I spent the entire week filled with pure excitement at the anticipation of this camping trip.  The thought of getting away from it all was just so exciting.  All the fresh air and beautiful weather of late had me hankering to be in the bush.  It is the perfect time of year to be outdoors and at one with nature.

While the front of the tent faced the beach this is what was behind us

Once our sporting commitments were over we disconnected from the world and headed down the track.  All that mattered then was relaxing and being together.

Open fire baked potatoes for dinner and tired legs from all the running on the sand meant for easy and early bedtime.  Leaving adults for plenty of time to be mesmerised by the flickering flames of the fire.  Snuggling in close to get as much warmth as possible.

Pure bliss

I may have come home to more washing than I care to think of but it was worth it and I will do it again in a heart beat.  So with that in mind I will leave it here for now.  The beeping from the washing machine tells me that what matters now is hanging out some washing and putting more on.

What Matters? - Open and Honest Communication

It goes without saying really that open and honest communication is not only the best form but should also be the only way we communicate with each other.  Sadly though this is not always the case.  Sometimes due to fear, shame  people do not alway openly communicate.  Sometimes this is through no fault of there own and sometimes with a bit of bravery and understanding it can be worked through.

As much as possible I like to think that I am an open communicator.  Both in the real world and here in the blogosphere.  There is never any doubt about the honesty aspect but there are at times instances when I know I am not as open as I could be.  This is particularly true in real life.  If anything I am probably more open about things on the blogs than I am in person.

For example, the other week I won a prize from a Facebook page.  The prize was a lady cup.  Which I am pretty excited about because I have been eyeing these off for a while but resisted buying one in case I didn't like it or it didn't work or whatever.

Even though I am sharing knowledge of my win here, there is only one person in the real world that I would discuss this with.  She has one already and is one of the most open and honest communicators about women stuff I have ever come across.  There is no taboo or off topic when it comes to the female body with this chick.  Which I love.  I know that there is no way me talking about the lady cup with her would make her feel uncomfortable.  You see when discussing such issues it is not only my comfort I consider but also how the other party to the conversation may be feeling.

As a rule I am not particularly comfortable discussing delicate women things.  I am of the belief that those personal monthly moments are just that, personal and therefore not necessary to discuss publicly.  Why I am so tight lipped on this I am not sure because I am far from prudish, but I have just never had a group of women I could sit down and chat about such things.  I can't help but wonder if I never found these women because I was never brave enough to broach the subject.

Up until now though it has never been an issue and I have given it little to no thought.  Now however I am the mother of three girls.  One of whom is 11.  Which is kinda code hurry up and find a way to start talking about all this secret women's business.

The thing is I don't want my girls growing up not feeling comfortable with their bodily processes.  I want them to embrace it and feel at one with their body.  Which I am sure is quite doable with open and honest communication about the changes they will one day go through.  Sounds so easy when said like that doesn't it?

Now ideally I should be able to go to my mother and as for some guidance on the matter, only that just won't work on this one.  Obviously mum had a go at explaining the birds and the bees and all that to me when I hit puberty.  Let's just say I was not exactly impressed with how she went around it.  If the truth be told she is partially responsible for my inability to discuss all of this.  You see I figure if she had of handled it all differently I wouldn't be struggling with what to say now.

I don't want my daughters going through life feeling embarrassed or shame by something that happens each and every month to just about each and every woman.  Yet I can't find a way to introduce the topic.  Then to make things even worse I start some self beating about the relationship I have with them because surely if it was a fantastic as I think it is in my head I wouldn't feel at such a loss on how to go about all of this.

All I know is I need to work something out.  And quickly.  Every passing day is one day closer till I have no choice but to discuss it.  I remember my first period.  Having no idea why I was bleeding from there.  Mum had a best friend over.  A woman I had known all my life and loved almost as much as my own mother.  I still couldn't go out and tell them.  I thought something was wrong.  I hoped that if I just changed my knickers it would stop and go away.  If only it were that easy.

In a bid to try and get my head around some of this I have turned to Google.  Apparently one way to go about it is with a first period party.  Complete with girl to womanhood cups and plates

Possibly a little over the top?

The outside of the card doesn't do much for me but the words inside are a bit nice

I keep telling myself that when the time is right I will know just what to say.  I hope this is the case.

What about you?  Do you already know how you will deal with this?

Joining in over at Diary of a SAHM for

 

Make it Matter Monday

Last week there was no making it matter anything.  Last week was a bit of a standstill in many ways.  In fact last week was such a waste of a week I am not even sure why I had to endure it.  I achieved nothing, got nowhere and am more than glad that it is all behind me.

In my defense I did have a sickly child which brought with it broken sleep and constant demands.  However I also managed to waste quite large portions of the days playing stupid (yet addictive) computer games.  Thankfully that is all behind me now though.  A new week has started and I am ready and raring to go.

Little Miss Too Sick For School is no longer too sick for school and happily returned to the classroom today.  It was actually a little tricky to see who was more excited, myself or her.  Don't get me wrong I love having them around and have even briefly contemplated the possibility of home schooling, but last week there were things I wanted to do that having a sickly child stopped me from doing.  The first few days I was full of understanding and compassion but by Friday it had been replaced with frustration and a lack of patience.

Back to this week though.

When I last wrote about  Make it Matter Monday, I was going to write myself up a schedule for the weeks to come.  One that would allow me time for simple things like running, writing, quality family time, helping at the school and socialising, both for me and the children.  Needless to say that never happened.  Which in some ways is not a bad thing as I just realised that I should have included some form of housework to the list.

As I sit here I feel I can honestly say that the house is more in order than it has been for quite some time.  There are still a few little areas in need of attention but on the whole it is not too bad.  Let's just it is all manageable at the moment and I feel far from my usually feeling of being overwhelmed by it all.  Which I must say is kinda nice, especially after my stay in struggle town last week.

In fact this week is even off to such a great start I managed to get my Martha Stewart on before school.

Not only did I get my Martha on but I managed to take a happy snap and Instagram it, 

giving more hope that I may one day really cut it as a blogging super star.

So goals for this week

• exercise - I would like this to actually read running but Miss Eleven has decided that riding to school is the latest trend and being the over protective mother that I am this mean I too must ride to school with her.  Which kinds sucks as it cuts into my running time but I can still get fit from bike riding so I guess all is not lost.
• writing - I really want a week of scheduled posts in place.  
• set up a weekly plan (even if it is just a loose one)
• stay on top of the housework - you know simple stuff like do the dishes before they stack up to leaning tower levels, do a load of laundry a day, yadda, yadda...
• finish cleaning the fridge - seemed like such a good idea yesterday when I started.  Halfway through though I lost interest and put it all back.  Turns out the job was much bigger than expected and not able to be squeezed in before dinner preparations.  Live and learn I guess.
• clean one cupboard - I am sure part of the reason why I am so disorganised is because I have cupboards full of crap.  Crap that is not longer needer and should be moved out of my house.  I plan to tackle a cupboard a week till they are all done.
• Get my head around a heap of school council dramas and provide some solutions- Urgh. 

On top of that I am helping out in the canteen for two days so it looks like a pretty full on week.  Which is both good and bad.  The old saying if you want something done ask a busy person keeps playing in my head so hopefully having a lot on my plate will mean I get a lot done.  

There is also a lot of in between the lines stuff I want to do as well.  Stuff like bake more snacks, have lunches sorted in advance, try meal planning, the list is probably endless.  There are a few reasons why am not going into to many details.  The first being I don't want to bore you and the second being if I don't get them done I won't beat myself up too much.

So on that note I better step away from my beloved Mac and get things done!

I did it!

Yep that's right ladies and gentlemen I did it.  Not once but twice as well.  Go me right?

What's that? You have no idea what I am going on about?  Oh sorry let me stop and explain, in my excitement I might have got a little carried away.

As some of you may be aware over the last ten weeks or so I have been taking part in my own personal Ease into 5km program via an awesome little app by Blue Fin that I got for my phone.  The long and short of it is that it is an interval training program that is designed to get you running 5km in eight short weeks.

When I started going faster than a walk for more than 30 seconds seemed impossible.  I seriously question how on god's green earth I was going to be able to jog let alone run for a whole thirty minutes.  (Which is apparently how long 5km should take you.)

It has been a long tough slog.  One that has seen me repeat days on more than one occasion.  In fact there was one particular day that saw me repeat it three times before I felt I could honestly say I completed it.

Despite what ever doubts I may have had at the start I can now say that if you stick with it this kind of training really does pay off.  Just yesterday I went 5.15km in around 39 minutes.  Twenty nine of those minutes were jogging with the other ten consisting of a five minute warm up and the same again cooling down.  This follows a 5km run in around the same time last Friday.

Technically I am not sure what I am doing is really running.  If it is, it is a slow run, not that it really matters because at least I am moving more than what I was three months ago.  Which is all that matters.

Of course what matters even more is that I now actually feel fitter.  In fact I am quite proud of the fact that I can go at above walking pace for quite some time.  After the first ten to fifteen minutes I struggle a little and may or may not reduce my pace to walking for no more than thirty seconds mind you.  I am confident though that in another week or so it will be more like twenty minutes before I need a little breather.

Oh and did I mention how some of my shorts are now a little baggier than they once were?

There is still one more run before I officially graduate from the program which I am quite looking forward to.  Only then I need to work out what will be next.  I am torn between starting the Bridge to 10km or just focusing on improving my 5km time.  Really though all that matters is I keep going.

One thing that I have noticed about all this activity though is that I really am starting to feel quite great about myself.  The days that I run I feel happier and less stressed.  Mind you I only really noticed how good it made me feel when there was a week that saw no running.  By the end of the week I was grouchy and easily irritated.  A couple of runs though and all of that is gone and I am left feeling strong and awesome.

Joining in

Cutting it fine

At 11.37pm I am cutting it fine for today's post.  As always there could be lots of excuses.  Stuff like Miss I Don't Like Sleep, putting up a fight when it was finally time to go to bed.  I say finally because we sat up very late chatting and looking at stuff on her iPod.  It was just such a lovely time.

The problem was we had spent the night at a friends house so by the time we got up to bed it was already rather late and way past bed time.  Still what's sleep when you can have a wonderful time laughing and having fun?

Today's plans were meant to be

• bake a few muffins
• sell some more stuff
• come home and have a sleep

I did bake a few muffins.  Twenty in fact. Raspberry.  The first dozen were cooked perfectly.  The others I think were a little too brown at the base.  Thankfully they were only being sold for $1.50.

Thanks to getting up not very long after 5.30 I was at the school with plenty of time to set up what few remaining gifts.  I must say it felt rather nice knowing that someone else was taking care of all the food preparation and set up.  Previous years have seen me try and struggle relatively alone.  Mind you I can't help but wonder at times if this is because of the way I come across to people at times.  I am pretty sure it is a post all of it's own though.

Sadly the one thing on my list that I didn't do was come home and have a sleep.  I did come home however managed to successfully elude sleep.  Not from want of trying mind you.  Neither of the two younger girls transported very well from the car while asleep and as such I was left unable to catch some much wanted z's.  Can't win them all I guess.

Given that tomorrow is Saturday and that I only have less than three minutes to hit publish else it will be timestamped Saturday rather than Friday I must bid you all goodnight xx

A bit of a quickie

When I started Making Time to Make it Matter, I wasn't really too sure of what I wanted.  I briefly thought that I would be able to pump out a heap of posts in only a short period of time and be able to enter the Sydney Writer's Centre Best Blog Competition in the Best New Blog category.  Because you know each of those posts that I pumped out would have been nothing short of awesome and naturally I would have walked away a clear winner.  Lucky for the rest of the Australian blogging community I am a slacker and a much more deserved winner was announced today.

Speaking of winners I was pretty chuffed to see the overall winner with the best Aussie blog went to the more than deserving Edenland.  As I have mentioned on more than one occasion, Eden rocks.

Back to this blog.

Over the last few days I have been making the effort to make sure I post every day.  Now I know that there is a danger in just posting for the sake of posting but one thing I am starting to realise is that I need to make the time to write every single day.  Even if it only turns out to be a short crappy post about what I hope to do today or what I didn't do today.  Either way I need to make the time to get some words out.  Because at the end of the day it always makes me feel good to know that I have actually written something.  This is only improved by the thought that someone else may have read it and been moved in some shape or form by my words.

Yesterday I briefly spoke of how busy I was at the mother's day stall.  Today is pretty much a duplicate of that.  There is a small part of me that thinks my levels of effort could have been increased but there is a larger part of me that shouts it out with at least you did something.  I know that mantra may not always see you through life but at the moment it is my biggest source of inspiration.  That and something is better than nothing.

Tomorrow will see me at the school again.  At least for the morning.  There is a breakfast and then assembly and then perhaps some cash counting so I can spend the weekend basking in the glory of how much money I helped make before Monday morning comes and I wish for no one to mention it again.  I am one of those shy helpers that really doesn't like to much fuss made of what I do.  Else I start to question my effort levels.  I tend to feel people praise me more than I actually deserve.

Once my school duties are completed I should come home and get all the housework out the way so that it is done and dusted for the weekend.  That way we are left with ample time for family fun and frivolity.

What will probably happen is Miss Two and I will come home and have a sleep.  The housework will be forgotten and we will awake Saturday morning to discover that all required sporting uniforms are in fact still in the wash.  Nothing like living on the edge.

Actually the part about the uniforms won't happen at all because I have actually already washed them.  All bar one pair of socks are neatly waiting in the cupboard.  Go me right?

In an ideal world I will be up before the crack of dawn baking muffins to take along to the breakfast.  Since it has just passed eleven o'clock I should head off from here and get some sleep otherwise the above mentioned muffins will remain nothing more than just mentioned.

How I went

For those of you interested in how I went with my list yesterday, this is the post for you.  For those of you who missed yesterday's post here is what I hoped to do

• Buy items necessary for gift stall gifts
• Make items, ready for stall (tomorrow {which is now today), I did say it was all a bit last minute)
• Write two awesome blog posts (this one and one at APL)
• Read a heap of awesome #IBOT posts
• Clean kitchen
• Fold washing
• Fold more washing
• Cook dinner and clean kitchen again

In the nearly two hours that Miss Nearly Six went to school for, before deciding to come home sick, I managed to duck into the awesomeness that is Officeworks.  I like to think of it as the wife equivalent to Bunnings.  As you can imagine it tickles me no end to know they are owned by the same company.  Just completes the whole him and her thing for me.  Anyway yesterday I managed to duck in there get the laminating pouches and things that I needed, plus only a few extras I didn't really need.

It is with great delight that I can report I did get a heap of bookmarks made.  When I say bookmarks I mean bits of wrapping paper that have been laminated.  Miss Eleven was a great help with these.  We decided to spice things up a bit this year and made some fridge magnets as well.

When I finally got everyone into bed last night I even managed to whip up a few tissue paper flowers.  Of which I naturally don't have photos for because I forgot.  In fact the only reason I could post the one above is because Miss Eleven had kept a few for herself.  I find it all a bit ironic really since yesterday I posted this to Instagram

See! I am a real Mummy blogger.  Here is a photo of lunch today

I have noticed that most other blogs have a lot more photos than what I do.  It is something I have been thinking about it a bit lately.  My over active imagination considered that the reason why I am yet to make it big is because of the lack of imagery.  Anyway back to me being accountable for my time yesterday.

When I wrote my post here yesterday I was quietly confident that I had it all in the bag.  I felt calm and in control.  Even though I had left it all to the day before.  I was certain I had not over extended myself. Of course at nine o'clock last night when I was only just halfway through what I wanted to make I was questioning this.  As it turned out I had just the right amount.  I still need to make some more flowers but that is not such as a bad thing as I am thinking they may well make a great how to vlog.

Sadly I never got the second awesome post written.  Thankfully I have a relaxed attitude to that and can sleep well with knowing I at least got one awesome post written.  While I may not have read as many awesome IBOT posts as I would have liked, I did manage to read all my #teamIBOT posts.  So all is not lost there.

I had been really super efficient before I blogged and folded some washing.  Even managed to get it put away.  As we all know though there is always more.  Sadly though more did not get done here yesterday. Even as I write there is a line full of washing patiently waiting for me to get it in.  The joys of no rain - never a rush to get the washing in till it is actually needed.

Dinner was cooked and ready at a reasonable hour.  Super big well done to me on that one.  Particularly since there was enough left over that we get it again tonight.  Which is what has allowed me to sit here and write. 

The kitchen however is another story altogether.  So are the floors.

In fact the less said about them the better.

Since it is nearly dinner time there is little point putting up a list of what I need to do.  Aside from that this post has gone on for nearly long enough and big thanks to you for still reading.  

Tomorrow will be much like today.  At school selling to the masses.  Thankfully I have found another mum to keep me company.  Which is nice.  Especially since our daughters are in the same class and we don't really know each other.  Even though I am not going to give myself a to do list for tomorrow I will still be back then with some more on how I plan on increasing my accountability.

Accountability

Yesterday I briefly touched on my recent realisation of the importance of creating some sort of accountability for my actions.  Mr Awesome, as the name suggests, is awesome and never ever complains, or even comments for that matter, on the state of affairs regarding the house.

Even when the leaning tower of dishes grows rather than disappears by the time he gets home from a long hard day at work, he never utters a word.  He doesn't even roll his eyes or let out a little sigh.  Which is pretty awesome.  Of course it does nothing to encourage me to get off my lazy butt and do anything either but you can't win them all.

This week is a busy one for me.  Always is this time of year.  Unlike most mothers who look forward to a day of relaxation and pampering that is meant to come with Mother's Day, I have a somewhat panic stricken fear in the week leading up to it.  Ok maybe not fear but I certainly exceed my normal levels of stress in this lead up week to the big day.  In fact as I sit here now the mere thought of getting through this week sends me into a sort of convulsion.

What bring this all about I hear you ask.  The short answer is myself.  The long answer involves the school, gift stalls and my misguided notion that I am in fact crafty.  For the last few years I have helped the school hold a mother's day stall.  Another kind mother would make a heap of things and I would sell them the week before mother's day.

Only this year the other mother has left the school.  My stupid phobic self left it too late to see if there were any other crafters who may have been interested in helping out.  Thankfully we have some incredibly generous families that have previously donated so much we already had some stock on hand but I was still left with the task of organising some cheap and cheerful gifts.

Which naturally I have left until the last minute.  But I digress.

As I was saying, I need to introduce more accountability into my day.  Even if it is only myself that I am answering to.  I need to remember that the little things do make a difference to the overall picture.

For example on the weekend Miss Eleven had a friend sleep over.  In the morning they wanted to make pancakes.  Which was a wonderful idea.  Except for the fact the leaning tower of dishes was on it's way to world record heights.  I couldn't even see how many days back it went.

I precariously waded through and managed to clean the bowl and utensils needed.  While the girls began to make the batter I trudged through the dishes for the plates and cups needed.  Naturally the frying pan was also in need of a wash.  All the while I kept thinking it shouldn't be this way.

Back to being accountable for my time though.  Which let me tell you I am not normally.  At all.  Let's just say that I am somewhat of time waster.  Procrastination doesn't even begin to explain the way I put things off.  Slowly though I am sure I can change.

In an effort to do that I have decided that I need some daily lists which hopefully I will be able to gleefully tick off knowing that my is well accounted for.

Here is what today's looks like

Buy items necessary for gift stall gifts
Make items, ready for stall (tomorrow, I did say it was all a bit last minute)
Write two awesome blog posts (this one and one at APL)
Read a heap of awesome #IBOT posts
Clean kitchen
Fold washing
Fold more washing
Cook dinner and clean kitchen again

Of course I didn't mention all the other stuff like, school drop offs and pick ups, shopping for dinner, child negotiations, sibling mediation, facebook chatting and twitter stalking.

So on that note I better get to it.  Given half the day is already over and I would not necessarily say that I over halfway through that list.  Make sure you pop back tomorrow to see how I went and what's in store

As you know today is Tuesday, which means #IBOT baby!

 

Head on over and say hi to Jess, check out the other #IBOT posts as they are always a good read

Make it Matter Monday

Welcome to the first edition of Make it Matter Monday here at Making Time to Make it Matter.  (say that 5 times really fast if you dare)  I am still not entirely sure what shape this is all going to take I just know I need to do something.  So here it is.

As you may recall Making Time to Make it Matter was spawn from all the benefits I gained from being a part of The Mother Experiment's Me & YOU link up.  I am still amazed at the accountability I gained for myself by sharing what I needed to do with my readers.  It was like, well I put it on the Internet and my page hits tell me people at least looked at it and some of them probably read it so I better stay true to my word.

Lately I have not been partaking in my weekly recording of what I did and what needs to be done.  I got to big for my boots and thought I had it all under control.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I may have briefly, at some point had something under control but I was by no means ready to fly solo all the time and just do everything that needed to be done.

In recent week the washing has over taken a number of areas.  The kitchen table, the laundry, the back veranda, the bathroom floor.  There have been baskets of washing, both clean and dirty, laying all over the place.  In fact about the only place it hasn't been is folded up nicely in the cupboard.

As for the dishes.  Well.  I have never seen towers like them before.  And so regularly as well.  In fact, it feels like ALL the time.  It's like someone is just coming along and making them all dirty just for the fun of it or something.  Like they think I like washing dishes.  Or perhaps it is they think I like towers of dishes all over the kitchen?

Anyway I am sure you get the picture.

Let's just say I have been struggling a little of late.  Not as much as I once did but it hasn't been as easier as it was when I first set out.  Which actually happens to be a bit of a common thread in many areas of life of late.  I know that persistence is the key and persist is what I will do.

Yet again I find myself stuck with the knowledge that I need to firmly establish some goals, only I have know idea where to begin or how to go about it.  I don't want to be setting goals I can't achieve because they are unrealistic.  I also don't want to be setting goals that are to simple or without challenge.  I want authentic and achievable goals that are planted firmly in reality.

The other week the lovely Jess posted about how she had enlisted the help of her husband in the role of a manager.  Which let me tell you is just brilliant.  I haven't quite got around to it yet but I have been thinking about getting Mr Awesome to aid me in something similar.  After much thought I began to wonder if what I was lacking was accountability.

Maybe one of the reasons why I am so lax with my household chores is because there is no accountability for my actions.  There is not task master telling me off for not having a clean kitchen at the start of the day.  Nor is there anyone complaining about the delays in getting clean clothes to the the cupboards.  It is tough though, for as much as I don't want someone telling me I have to do all these things it perhaps appears as if I may need someone giving me a little push here and there.

Just another one of life's many juggling acts I guess.

The first thing I am going to concentrate on this week is setting myself up with a weekly schedule that allows time for the following

• running
• writing
• quality family time
• housework
• helping at the school
• socialising

From there I will stop and reassess where everything is and choose the right direction to head forward in.  All sounds pretty simple when I say it like that doesn't it?

What about you?  What is going to matter to you this week?

Running Thanks to Twitter

While I was scrolling through Twitter this morning.  You know, as you do to prolong the moment when you actually have to swing your feet over the edge of the bed, when I came across this tweet from Nee.

For a very long time I didn't get the whole exercise thing either.  I played lots of sports as a early teen and then led a rather active life in later youth.  After all dancing on tables all night long is no easy feat, even when it is alcohol fuelled.  Along came children and breastfeeding and the dancing stopped as did lots of other activities.  It didn't bother me too much though because for the most part my body seemed to take care of itself and I never felt fat.

Eventually that changed though and I was suddenly hiding from cameras and cringing if I saw myself in a photo.  There was a part of me still trying to convince me I wasn't fat but a louder part cried even if you are not fat you sure have some excess weight and are really unfit.

The real clincher for me was the Wii Fit.  Apparently that stupid little machine thinks I am obese.  I am 165cm tall and weigh a comfortable 76kg.  Is that really obese?  Regardless of whether it is or not it was enough to see me start thinking about doing something.

October year before last, saw me pay for a gym membership.  I went for the first two months.  Well I went a couple of times in the first two months.  I was supposed to get a free session with a personal trainer.  They could never find one that had time for me.  I took that as a sign I wasn't meant to be there.  I then made up a thousand other excuses why I couldn't go.

Since then I have half heartily tried to get out there and be active.  For the most part it was all hit and miss and made no difference to my lifestyle at all.  Then about three months ago something happened.

Once again I was trawling through tweets and killing time while I waited for the housework to take care of itself (which by the way it didn't) when I came across conversations between some fellow bloggers and their adventures with a fitness app.  They would post their times on Twitter after a workout and I suddenly found myself thinking I wonder if I could do that.  Before long I had the app and was on my way.

The first few weeks were hard but rewarding.  Oh so rewarding.  I could literally feel myself getting stronger and fitter and even faster each and every time I got out there.  I loved it.  For the first time in my life I could see why so many people made time to go running.  I felt rather special to be joining the club.  I had always looked at runners with some form of admiration.  Being rather uncoordinated it was rather exciting to think that with a bit more time I too could be running.

Running along here is one of my favourite routes
I live in a capital city and I love the fact I can still run alongside a creek

Today I completed Day 3 of Week 7 of my running program.  Even though it says week 7 I probably started more like 10 weeks ago.  I had a week off when I was sick and then repeated week 6 for a while because I was starting to really struggle with completing each workout.

As I type there is a part of me that still doubts whether I will ever really be a 'runner' as such.  Next week is the last week of the program.  Which means in three runs time I should be able to run for 5kms.  Or for 30 minutes straight.  To be quite honest I am not sure I will do either.

Today was a 27 minute run.  Or rather it was supposed to be.  After about 12 minutes I wanted to stop.  I just wasn't feeling it.  At all.  I kept going though.  Albeit very very slowly.  That is what the last week and a half has been like.  Super slow going.  In 38 minutes I traveled around 4.5km.  Ten minutes of this is for warming up/cooling down with the left meant for running.  Today I ran as much as I could then walked for 20 seconds or so to catch my breath and start again.

I should feel proud of that effort, but I don't really.  I know that twelve weeks ago there is no way I would have been able to do that, however for some reason there is a part of me that feels like a failure.  Which is just plain stupid.

You see the problem is it is getting harder to actually see any difference.   I was never really doing this for the weight.  I really just wanted to be fitter.  I wanted to be able to run.  The first month however saw kilos fall and muscles tighten.  This motivated me to keep on going.

Now however the weight seems to be floating around the same numbers and whatever muscle tone I thought I had gained seems to have disappeared.  This is by no means motivating.  Today I went the same distance as last time I ran only this time I know I walked more than I did the time before.  I keep trying to tell myself that all that means is when I did run I was running faster but it is a hard one to buy.

So where to from here?

Well I am going to keep on going I guess.  I need to remind myself that this is something that I want to do.  And it is.

I WANT TO BE FIT.

As nice and encouraging as numbers and stats are they are not the be all and end all.  The fact that I am out in the fresh air three times a week, being active and pushing my body, needs to be reward enough.  I am sure that if I just keep going it won't be too much longer till the feeling of being a running fraud (based on how slow I am) gets left behind and I start to feeling like a running champion.

One step at a time.

Joining in with Fitness Friday over at Kate Says Stuff and Team Friday at BBeingCool